Somehow saying "the kids" is really affecting me. It's not enough to say I feel like my mother, although I do more and more by the hour, it's more. Saying, I'm going to pick up "the kids", I have to put "the kids down", it's like the page has been turned. A new chapter has begun. I don't know if I'm ready to fully embrace this new chapter. What does this new verbiage mean? With this new phrase that I am throwing around playfully comes some major stuff. Two kids means sharing responsibility, counting on, leaning on, your spouse more than you ever have had to, building each other up when you've successfully gotten through dinner, and unfortunately tearing each other down when the pressure gets to be too much. It means seeing mini van's in a whole new light, the feeling of your heart aching when a school bus goes by, knowing one day your backpacked little one will be a passenger, it means family, real family, and saying "we" in most conversations, no longer I. I find myself day dreaming, trying my very hardest to remember my first memories. They are of mom and dad. Mom, skinny with long hair and dad with tube socks to his knees. Laughter, jokes I didn't get, security, routine. I loved it. I hope Ethan is looking through his little green eyes and seeing what I saw, family.
I'm realizing that this new privilege of being able to refer to "the kids" is huge. I almost feel presumptuous. Why did I think I could do this? The weight of this responsibility will never cease, I imagine. I hope eventually I will get used to this new verbiage, and one day feel like I actually fit into these shoes. I still feel like I am all dressed up in mom's clothes, walking around in over sized high heels, trying to be a big girl.
