Leathered. Layered. Wiser and yet still wondering. The same things I was 13 years ago. Why did I stop writing? Oh, how I've treasured finding this old blog and relishing each word in it, immediately transporting me back to then. Before. Before so much. It was so nice running into her. That girl who was overwhelmed by the idea of two human beings that the Lord blessed us with. The one who still wants to write and have wild bohemian hair and a nose ring. Glass blowing would still be fun. I remember that hope she had when mom was going through treatments. The texts. The halleluiahs.
I don't know how to bridge a 13-year gap of life. What I can do is read through this and still see me in all of it. I'm a hopeless wisher, I'm in awe and I still feel like God giving me the things He has was a huge oversight on His part, and in His way, He did it, He made it work. With this mess of a person.
We are now preparing for a graduation. Ethan is a senior and Mason is a freshman in high school. There have been injuries with such heartache, there are currently first loves. First kisses. Jobs that mold us and the sweet sweet love of family members drawing closer. We've lost and we have gained. Mom gained her wings in 2015 and I'm still not ok without her. My sisters are so tightly woven into my fabric I swear I see them when I look at my reflection. Woven in love, woven in loss. She was such a huge part of each of us. Serving to all three of us as both mom and dad, in so many ways. There are babies that I know she sees, and I feel her when we get together to celebrate us and them. She didn't know it and would have never thought she could do it, but she created something special with us three. Bonded by a chord she created, somehow strengthened by her loss.
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